Counting Fears

Sometimes the absolute power of my fears overwhelms me.  What if I forget one of the kids' practices?  What will happen when my son doesn't have the t-ball glove for the correct hand?  Will I ruin him for baseball for life?  What about my oldest daughter and her development?  I worry so much that I'm not listening to her enough, understanding enough, helping enough?  Do all of these four beautiful children know how much they are truly loved by me?  By God?  What do I do when they all get sick and I'm by myself?  What if I manage to completely mess them all up in the time my husband is gone?

I am crushed by the enormity of the task before me, and I have to remind myself that I am not alone.  Thousands of single parents do this every day.  Hundreds of thousands.  Some are single by choice, and some have had the choice made for them.  I am fortunate to know that it's a temporary state of being.  He will return home. 

But in the meantime, I have months ahead of me.  Months to address each and every fear; each and every hurdle.  Matthew West's new song, "Strong Enough" has struck a resonant chord in me lately.  My head knows God will provide the appropriate strength for the appropriate times.  But, it's the line about "when I hit rock bottom, I start looking up."  That's what gets me.  Do I have to hit rock bottom first to know what God's strength really means? 

There are blessings to match the fears.  As sad as I am to admit this, I rely on my husband to take away all the scary things in my life.  To reassure me that I am safe, protected, and someone's got my back.  But his absence means that God has a chance to be present in a way I have not allowed Him to be before.  It's a tentative thing, to reach out and trust someone who--in words--I have trusted all my life.  To put to the test the relationship that brings meaning to my life.  I'm not worried about God holding up His end; I'm worried about meeting my end. 

So maybe that's truly what these are about.  These fears.  Facing each one individually and releasing them one at a time.  Knowing God is stronger than I am and that I am not strong enough ever on my own.  From the most benign fear to the greatest, remembering that He will never leave me; He will never forsake me.  And in the process, driving my relationship with Him closer to my centerpoint.